Bonjour, ça va ?
What a time to be an Australian in Paris! Previously, most French couldn’t place Australia on a map and now, all because of a few submarines, we are à la une!
For those of you who are not Australian nor French nor have an interest in submarines, let me get you up to speed with a (very) lite background brief on the submarine saga.
La crise des sous-marins
Back in 2016, Australia signed a multibillion-dollar deal with France under which the French were to build 12 submarines for our great nation down under. However, the French were a bit laissez-faire about everything and took a while to get their act together so Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison (ScoMo) started to get cranky.
Fast forward to January 2021 and China makes everyone a bit jumpy—especially ScoMo—by simulating missile attacks on a US aircraft carrier.
In September 2021, it’s announced in the international press that Australia has formed a new pact with the US and UK (AUKUS). The US will now be building at least 8 nuclear powered submarines for Australia, effectively ending the deal with the French. This was all confirmed in a press conference with Joe Biden and ScoMo in which the Leader of the Free World forgot his Australian counterpart’s name and simply referred to him as “the fella down under.”
Now where it gets a little sticky is in that the French claim they only found out about this deal via the press and were “stabbed in the back.” Australia defends that it had been dropping hints for months and it is France’s fault for not reading between the lines.
In any event, E-Mac was très en colère! And subsequently withdrew the French ambassadors to Australia and the US. The French Ambassador to Australia Jean-Pierre Thebault went as far as to accuse Australia of treason:
“Adding insult to the process... we have very reliable reports from the independent press, which I thank, about the fact that all this was in the making for 18 months. Which means we have been blind-sided intentionally for 18 months…. The crime was prepared for 18 months…
If the reports that were published… on the treason in the making and the intentional double language, is true - and it has not been contradicted - then it is a major breach of confidence and a very bad signal.”
The crime was prepared for 18 months! Treason in the making! A very bad signal! Très mauvais, indeed.
If this parody of global security wasn’t ludicrous enough, British Prime Minister BoJo stepped in to defend old mates ScoMo and Joe, telling France to “donnez-moi un break” (give me a break) and “prenez un grip” (get a grip).
He also reassured the world that this convenient pact has absolutely nothing to do with curbing China’s influence in the region; it’s simply diplomatic mateship: “three very like-minded allies standing shoulder-to-shoulder,” having a chin wag about some submarines.
I think this phrase from The Financial Times’ brilliant explainer of the crise des sous-marins so neatly sums up the temperaments of the two opposing parties:
More consequential for the French delegation was Emmanuel Macron’s first bilateral meeting with Joe Biden that day, before an evening beach barbecue at Cornwall’s Carbis Bay. “The US is back,” Biden told reporters as he sat next to the French president. “Leadership is partnership,” Macron noted.
I can’t help but worry that, politics aside, sweet E-Mac might just be feeling a little left out. It’s like finding out on Instagram that your friends had a party without you—yet on a global scale.
The Aftermath
Although I’ve painted the saga in rather light-hearted terms, it really isn’t all that funny: many fear this “major breach of confidence” will have serious run-on effects for some time. Of note, Australia-EU free trade talks have been postponed as France muscles up. (Let’s hope for my father’s sake that this does not affect the importation of French wines into Australia!)
One rather silly article suggested that “it’s deeply embarrassing to be an Australian in France right now.” I wouldn’t go that far—most French are too busy enjoying life sans masques right now (or are still on the streets protesting the pass sanitaire) to spend their days persecuting Australian expats. My osteopath, who cracks the backs—and secrets out—of some of France’s most highly ranked politicians went as far as to say that it’s the French who should be feeling ashamed: how did no one in their diplomatic corps catch wind of the demise?
A spate of articles in the New York Times covering the incident also raised the question of whether this whole spat has revealed that France has an inflated sense of self as a global power (one could also accuse ScoMo of suffering from a similar delirium) and is constantly overreaching. As a nation that’s steeped in history, it’s no secret that the French have an almost constitutional nostalgia for the good old glory days when France was worth its weight in geopolitical power. But maybe their sphere of influence is exactly that: a thing of the past. The country seems to struggle with the emergence of new world powers; Bertrand Badie, a professor of international relations at Sciences Po described the attitude of France to be:
“like an old aristocrat who’s now forced to dine next to a peasant who’s become rich, and he finds that unbearable.”
*For a detailed historical review of France’s waning quest for global power in light of the submarine saga, I highly recommend this article in the New York Times.
The exact week that the French submarine contract, and E-Mac’s trust in us, were broken, an Australian Food Festival took place in Paris. Given the timing, one couldn’t help but feel that the lamingtons and caramel slices on offer were a sort of pathetic olive branch being extended to the people of France: “Sorry for abandoning a multibillion security contract and not having the common decency to inform you before you read about it in the newspaper—here, have a musk stick.”
Someone send Macron a packet of Tim Tams and a can of Milo already!
A Taste of Australia in Paris
In case you really are feeling the weight of the submarine saga (or are just looking for a decent flat white), I’ll leave you with a list of Australian or Australian-inspired establishments in Paris:
Aussi(e) - see what they did with the name? Very funny. This restaurant, run by a half-Australian half-French chef, serves up Aussie culinary classics like avo on toast and pavlova.
Peleton Café - I don’t think there’s an Australian running this joint but at least 50% of the clientele at any given time is Australian and they make a mean flat white.
Partisan - best coffee in Paris IMHO and they are more than happy to accomdate all orders, no matter how complicated they are (which is important because Australians do seem to have obnoxiously deconstructed orders which most French cafés will absolutely not tolerate).
Hardware Société - direct from Melbourne to Paris! Run by the same people behind the establishment of the same name in Melbourne.
Coutume Café- an Australian café on the Left Bank that does have an actual Australian at its helm.
Holybelly - A French institution but they claim that the concept and menu was inspired by ‘Melbourne cafe culture.’ Debatable but they do a hearty breakfast and great coffee which is hard to come by in Paris.
Café Oz - No list of Australian institutions in Paris would be complete without the infamous Café Oz. This is about as close to the vibe of a packed pub in Brisvegas during State of Origin as you can get in Paris. Items on their food and drinks menu are often (distastefully) named after Australian slang. If I ever want to break up with my Italian boyfriend, I will for sure do it over a Pizza Bogan at Café Oz, just to really add insult to injury.
A la prochaine!